(P)shhhh
If we believe in ourselves more, we would not need to hurt those around us.
I am writing this post on Tisha B’Av afternoon, deeply disturbed by an incident that happened this past Shabbos afternoon.
It took me back to a time, many years ago, when I was the guy who was always shushing those talking in Shul. I thought it was my God-given duty to encourage those talking, to be quiet, and let myself and others concentrate on davening. One Shabbos morning, after I shushed a friend of mine, he came over to me to tell me how deeply hurt and embarrassed he was by the shush. This brought me to the realization of how rude it is to quiet others and I resolved not to shush again.
As the years went by, I have come to appreciate Shul as a place to see your friends and even schmooze a bit here and there. More than that, for many, coming to Shul, may be their only dose of spirituality for the week and if they are talking, it is OK and even a value that they are connecting with fellow Shul-goers. These past few years, I have come to realize that people are people, we all have our weaknesses and what may seem below standard to one is actually a step up for the other.
Then came this past Shabbos. As I walked into shul for Mincha, the Rabbi was finishing up his Shabbos Chazon lecture. He was explaining that the lesson of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza was not necessarily about not embarrassing others, but the lesson was perhaps more about building our own self-esteem. If we believe in ourselves more, we would not need to hurt those around us.
During Mincha, I noticed some guys chatting quietly in the back. Then a Shusher came over and admonished them loudly and harshly for speaking in Shul. The talker proceeded to walk out of Shul and go home. Possibly never to go back to that Shul again.
Yes, I used to be a Shusher too. However, once realizing how damaging it is, I have stopped. When we feel the need to put others down - are we taking into consideration the wider context of things? Does the Shusher realize that the talker was perhaps taking one more chance of coming back to Shul after being shushed out 6 months ago? Does he realize that he is embarrassing someone and turning them off from coming back to Shul?
Let’s be more careful with how we act. Perhaps we need to boost our own self-esteem. This may prevent our own annoyance of the actions of people who are doing things that are different than how we would like them to be.
Is it worth embarrassing people in public? Is it worth giving them a message that a Shul is an unwelcome place for them?
Next time someone is talking in Shul, instead of shushing them, either move over or find something to appreciate about them. If you have a hard time finding something, perhaps join the conversation - you may find it to be life-changing.
PS this idea applies to every part of life, before criticizing anybody, think about the wider angle.